Triplets
 
One night a lady that was pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

She was rushed to hospital, where her doctor told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky for her and the triplets. He advised her that there was a good chance that there would be no further problems.

All was well for 16 years and then one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"What’s wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mum and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mum and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying,

"I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.

"No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

Simon from Deal

 
 
Lollipops
 
A little boy had a craving for lollipops and he would eat them at every opportunity he got.

One day he and his mother were going to catch a bus, and on the way they passed the sweet shop.

The little boy starts pleading with his mother “mum can’t I have a lollipop ...... Please oh please????”

The mother turns to her son and says “No, you eat far to many and eating lots of lollipops will make you fat!”

So they continue to the bus stop and catch the bus in to town.

At the next stop a heavily pregnant lady gets on and takes the seat in front of the little boy and his mum.

When the bus arrives at their stop the little boy and his mother start to get off , as they pass the pregnant lady, the little boy turns To her and says......

“We all know what you’ve been doing, don’t we!!!!!!”

Michael from Weybridge 
 
  
  
 
Skipping

 An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!  'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'  

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.' 

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

Garry from Portsmouth
 

 
 
Where does Poo come from?
 
 
A Little girl sits down on her Dads knee and asks “Daddy where does Poo come from?”

Dad ums and ahhs and then goes in to, “well, you eat food, it passes down your asofacous in to your stomach. Here it starts to be digested by your stomach acid, bile is added and it then passes in to your upper Intestine. Now your body starts to pull out
the nutrients, the partially digested food progresses down it to your lower intestine where the last of the nutrients are removed. The remanants that can not be digested is then passed out of your bottom, and that is where poo comes from!”

The little girl tilts her head and looks at her dad in a perplexed fashion and then asks “and what about Tigger”

Andrew from Ashford  
  
 
  
 
You Must be Choking!
 
A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress.

Two locals, John and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Can you swallow? Asked John. The woman signaled No! Desperately shaking her head.
Can you breathe? asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, John walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,pulled down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the
crack of her behind.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

John swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his wine.

Brian said in admiration "You know John, I'd heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I have ever seen
anybody do it."

David from Cambridge

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